Are you looking for someone, but don't want to look like you are looking for someone? If you are single and searching, you can become vulnerable to the many negative voices from others as well as your own thoughts. These voices often tell you that you can't find anyone.

I have a client who is divorced and does not want to spend her life alone. She wanted to be happy in a relationship with a life partner, but she didn't know how. She was in danger of falling into one of the common but unfortunate dating distortions called: How Do I Look?

Research and common knowledge are clear that we select a mate on personal appearance. However, what is not commonly understood is how we have control over how appealing we can be. My client thought she was doomed to be alone because she does not look like a movie star and she is over a certain age. This was her dating distortion. She had taken a kernel of truth, which is the importance of looking your best, and exaggerated it to her own detriment.

How can you look your best?

The first area my client worked on was feeling good from the inside out. Focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses; wins instead of losses; and accomplishments instead of failures gave her a foundation to build on.

Secondly, she looked deeply to discover what her passions were. She had forgotten some of her dreams and lost touch with some of her talents that needed to be brought out and polished. She began to define who she was and what she was meant to do. This gave her confidence.

And thirdly, my client made an assessment of her outward presentation and made some changes. With feedback from her friends, she developed better posture, updated her makeup and hairstyle, and chose clothes in colors, fit, and texture that were flattering. She also began an exercise program four days a week. All of these activities gave her energy.

With these few simple changes, my client moved from a distortion to a new perspective which was: she had everything she needed in order to meet someone and start dating. She had herself.